I had read about “10 years of silence”. How masterworks are virtually always produced ten years into an expert’s career, after a decade of silence. I wanted to hook into that, having just finished my 1st career decade—silently. But I couldn’t find the actual research paper, and it’s rather pompous to equal my career with artistic masterpieces anyway.
Reflecting on my first decade
Nonetheless, my 10 year mark warrants a reflection. Especially since it –in true millennial fashion– concluded with a major burnout. Which was unsurprising, in hindsight (yes, I know). A lifetime of trying to fit in boxes others drew for me, of doing things because they’re expected, of hiding myself to not jump out: of course it wore me out.
don't try to fit in boxes others drew for you
Recovering was much harder than I had expected it to be—in fact, it was only when I stopped pressuring myself to get better that I did. But I can say that I’m in a much better place again. I’m also dead set against this repeating, so I have laid down a single rule for the coming decades: “don’t lie”.
Writing is not lying
Going against my grain is lying. As is saying “yes” when I think “no”, or “of course” when I think “bullshit”. Or even worse: not saying anything at all when I think plenty of reactions. Silence is not always golden.
I’m sure I’ll slip up now and then. The important thing is to not let all these little lies fester. I have learned that I should cultivate finding the silver lining in my thoughts. Writing is a good way to do that. It’s one thing to think something, it’s a whole different thing to write it out and then read how your own words make you sound like an old lady shaking her fists, yelling for no good reason.
On top of that, I’m choosing to do so publicly. Because I always have 1000 reasons not to do something, and clearly, I cannot trust my own thoughts.
So I’m shaking my unease with the lack of a grand plan here. Sometimes you’ve got to start before you’re ready and figure it out on the go. This is one of those times.